Letter to an Unnamed Friend

My Dearest Friend

And so it comes:  the eve of the New Year, the end of the Old. A time when – wanted or not – we start to think back on all the things we have achieved and the many more we may regret.

I write to you now, before I forget them, all the deep and meaningful things which came to me in a moment of inspiration in the shower (of course, as all great philosophical moments do).

First of all, allow me to apologise for the absence of a name and proper address. You see, it is not without some amount of anxiety that I draft this little attempt to vocalize the thoughts in my silly head. Maybe I have over-thought these things, and no longer follow any form of logic in my words. Perhaps I have under-thought instead and will proceed to make false accusations.  No matter. I will proceed to put down these words (foolishly wise or wisely foolish, as they may be) because at one small point, they made sense to me. As well, the marvellous (bath-time) thoughts revolved around not one, but various persons who have walked in and out of my personal – and often volatile – space.  You, my “friend”, are therefore hypothetical and absolutely generic. I think you may even be myself.

I will start with this confession: I have not always been honest with you.  Not on any specific topic, but rather a few throughout the time we have known each other. “Well now,” you might say, “That is completely normal. White lies and non-committal hums and nods are completely necessary to keep a friendship going.”

“Complete and unquestionable honesty,” You may continue to say, “Is surely the recipe for the end of a friendship.”

Is it really though? Of course, I don’t mean to say that I don’t think those same thoughts. I have very often simply gone along with a conversation just because I do not wish to irritate the person any further than he/she already is; Or failed to point out a flaw (insignificant or otherwise) in the argument to avoid becoming the subject of one’s ire; Or even allowed my own argument to collapse in order for fires to be put out.

The truth shall set thee free. So say the wise men. What the wise men failed to preach was how much honesty may sting and how it can more often than not, backfire and scar the truth-bearer instead. How often have I regretted speaking my true mind (or what I perceived to be true) ? That being said, here is yet another confession.

I have not always been honest with myself. Bear with me. This will tie in with the above. At some point.

I have lost count of the number of incidences where I have convinced myself that all is good, and the decisions I make are right. In fact the opposite may have been more true.

You may or may not have been privy to the fact that I had regular sessions with a psychiatrist in the later months of 2012. Whether or not it has improved my mental fortitude, I cannot say. Although it has made me more aware, somewhat.

One of the things the doctor asked me consistently at every session was this,

“Why are you so afraid? You desperately want everyone to approve of you. Why?”

I could never give him a straight answer. Most times I could not answer at all. The question defeated me every time. Yet through that constant interrogation, it’s made me see some unpleasant truths about myself. One is this:

I allow myself to be swayed. Not always, but so very, very often. The thought of being left out or left behind terrifies me so much that I will usually go along with any idea or plan that is laid out. I am so afraid of being wrong, that I will be the first to agree that you are right.

I want so badly, so impossibly, to be good in your eyes, I will strive to fit your model.

Sadly, a poorly fitted gear is so often the catalyst for failure in any machinery. Usually that failure is catastrophic, to say the least.

I break, without a doubt. I get tired of saying “yes”, and I get tired of not saying anything and of playing “Follow the Leader”. That’s when my reality starts to warp. Suddenly, it seems that people are being unfair, even unjust. The alleged injustices begin to add up and so, it would seem to me, it is time to go on the defensive.

Here is where the hurt and heartbreak fell all sides. You, my friend, who has only seen a poorly constructed version of me will not understand what has warranted the sudden lashing and will put up shields of your own. I will only further upset myself for this, for I cannot seem to make you understand what injustices have been laid against me. So the siege begins and the battle wages on until when next we blink, being friends was just a myth.

So it boils down to this: I am poor at being honest with myself. In doing so, I fail to be honest with you, my friend. In being dishonest with you, I betray myself and so the spiral into misery finds no end.

I see that once again, I fail to end my tedious lecture before the New Year. It is now some 30 minutes past. I’ll end it now.

I should wish to be more honest with myself and all my friends, even if some may not encourage it. More than that, however, I wish that I may be honest without fear – fear of your pride (and mine); fear of hurting one another, and fear of failing to keep yet another friend.

No Speakee English

Wednesday evening.

I'm having dinner in the kitchen and reading some lecture notes when I decide that it's too quiet. So I turn on the radio and tune in to a random talk channel for some background noise when my very Strange housemate M comes in. Believe me when I say "Strange" with a capital "S". I never thought that there would be such a thing as an extremist Buddhist, but now I actually live with one. It's difficult to describe. Living with M is an experience all by itself. So, back to the kitchen...

At some point, he suddenly asks me this...

M: Does it help you with your English?
Me: (looking up from notes) Hmm? I'm sorry?
M: Does it help you with your English? (and mind you, he says this very kindly and innocently and every other similar adjective you can think of. There's no malice or condescendence whatsoever in his tone)

Me: (eyebrows twitch a bit) What does?
M: Having the radio on. Does it help you?

(By this time, another housemate has entered the kitchen and you can FEEL him listening in to the conversation in interest.. i.e. will I end up killing this Strange person)

Me: (After some awkward "uhm"-ing) No... uh.. Well...
M: (looks on confused)
Me: (Gives up) Well, we speak English in Singapore.
M: Oh! Do you?
Me: Er. Yes. I.. It's my first language actually.
M: Oh! I see. ... But you speak Chinese as well...? (why? why can NO ONE let this part go?? Just because I speak Chinese doesn't mean I have to be from China!!!)
Me: Erm... Yes, well... We have to.. Or I had to..

And so the usual explaination about the Singapore education being conducted in English, and the whole compulsary second language la-di-da-di-da... I actually had to explain to him that Mandarin was Standard Chinese... He really didn't know.

3.5 years in this refridgerator of a country and still, people (who are supposed to be acquainted with me) are confused as to where I come from. Do I leave that shallow an impression?? Or is it that people here are just that one-dimensional that someone from a slightly more diverse cultural background just make their tiny little neurons short-circuit?

Pah. I'm going to study.

Merry Christmas!!

Mmm.. Yah. It's a bit late, about 1.5hrs late, but what the hell.

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!!!

I just spent my FIRST ever Christmas away from home, in Aberdeen.

It wasn't as bad as I expected it to be. Mainly because I was invited to my friend's place for dinner. It was a small group, just four of us - 2 Japanese, 1 Australian and 1 Singaporean.

Random isn't it? And I've just realized that we're all from the Asia-Pacific region. Haha.. What a coincidence.

It was a simple dinner, but one of the nicest I've had this year. H-san made a vegetable quiche which she learnt in Malta. She's a really nice person! I'm glad I got to meet her. She and K-kun make a really nice couple I think. Hee~ (^_^)

I made a chocolate-coated strawberry & banana sandwich sponge cake for the dinner. I ran out of sugar so I had to split one portion of cake mix into 2 layers instead of making two portions. Then, I forgot to halve the cooking time since the layers were now thinner than they should've been. So.... The sponge layers turned out slightly... crispier... than I had hoped. It was still pretty tasty in the end, so it was only a demi-failure. (^_^''') Haha~ Unfortunately my camera ran out of battery, so I couldn't take a photo. I think H-san did though, so I'll see if I can get it off her or K-kun.

Boxing day tomorrow! All the sales start!! Heheheh~ Friends and I are going shopping.. I wonder what we'll find........ Woot woot!~~

Avoiding Electrical Circuits

In a desperate attempt to once again avoid studying, here is yet another random post...
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I think I'm actually more stressed than I think I am. There was a revision lecture scheduled today at the usual time, to be held in the usual lecture theatre. So, desperate as I was for any kind of help and possibly exam hints, I trooped down to the University and up to the assigned room.

There was no one there.

So I called my classmate, NM...

NM: Hello, Su Mei!
Me: Hallo. Uhm... Where is the alleged lecture supposed to be?
NM: The usual place.
Me: But... There's no one there.
NM: Er... Maybe because it's at 4pm?
Me: Yes, but... Wait, what time is it now?
NM: A little after 2?
Me: ... (-_-")

And the crazy thing was... I was actually aware of the times on some level. I know that Electrical on Mondays is always at 4pm. But for some reason when I looked at my watch at 1.40pm, I also just knew that I had to get moving if I wanted to make the lecture in time... (-.-''') Something is wrong with me.
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Made a new friend yesterday! Yay!! Yes, I know I could've mentioned it in yesterday's posts but I was busy talking about AFJ ok? (AFJラブラブ!) Anyhow, yes! New friend! Met him in church and we invited him out for lunch with us. Pity he's only going to be here for a couple more weeks.
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From The Amazing Death Predictor:
Van Su Mei: At age 52 you will die from an equipment malfunction in an exciting, fear based reality game show. Your death will receive the highest ratings of any episode of any reality show, ever.

AFJが大好き！

Been meaning to post an update for AGES!!! ごめんなさい、皆さん。

Ok, so let's start with last Saturday, 5 May. That was the day that the Aberdeen Kendo Club, AU Kendo Club and Aberdeen Friends of Japan worked to gether to organize the 3rd annual Japan Day as well as the annual Kendo Competition. Think there were only 3 participating universities (Aberdeen, Edinburgh and Glasgow), but since I had very little to do with that, I want to rave talk about the Japan Day fair!!

Went with the people of the newly set-up Nippon Connections. We were supposed to have been there for 12pm to help with the setting up and all. But lo and behold, we didn't count on the International Market being on in Union Street so all the buses were diverted and traffic was about twice as bad as usual. We ended up being almost 20min late and there's was very little left for us to do by the time we arrived. Still we managed to make ourselves useful in one way or another throughout the day. Doriana, Nikolas and I appointed ourselves (ok, I appointed myself) "official" photographers and went around blinding everyone with our digital cameras while managing to participate in the fun at the same time. My memory card is with Doriana at the moment, so photos will have to wait. Despite being a really small fair, there was a really great turnout. I was amazed at the number of people who turned up for the event. And I learned ikebana and some calligraphy. Chiho-san made me write ゆず (a small citrus fruit). Don't ask me why. I suggested writing the kanji for "one" but that was denied. Later tried writing my name but I screwed up the メ "me" character.

After the day was over, we all trooped over to Yamazaki-sensei's place for a barbecue! とても楽しかった！！ありがとうございました、山崎先生! And what I thought was the HIGHLIGHT of my day was meeting the Vice-Consulate General, Yokohama-san. Although I might have given him the impression of a crazed otaku fan-girl. Haiz. Got over-excited. After hearing that the Consulate General of Japan would be coming, I was actually hoping I might be able to have a serious conversation with them about how I became interested in Japan (and hopefully gain some brownie points and some good networking points). But that didn't quite work out. I realized too late who Consulate General Takahashi-san was (and he was actually speaking to me for a while.. DOH!!!). By the time I finally realized, he was engrossed in a game of Go, and I was too chicken to approach him with small conversation. And then I botched up the introduction that Naomi-san gave between Yokohama-san and us Nippon Connections people. My Japanese went totally haywire (didn't even know how to say I studied Japanese for about 2 years in Singapore. One of the easiest statements to make and I blanked. (>_<) Kill me.). Then I made the otaku fan-girl impression by teasing Bart about Akihabara in a slightly over-excited manner, due to my suddenly being so flustered. Kouki accused (teasingly, but still...)me of going to Akihabara as a maid. (T_T) Damn. I'll never be the diplomat my grandpa was. Anyhow, this Saturday was slightly better. It was a potluck lunch to celebrate the coming of Spring as well as a farewell party for a couple who were flying off to the Russian Island of Sakhalin. Made a lasagne that everyone seemed to really like (thank GOODNESS). There was SO MUCH FOOD!! It was unbelievable. Chiho-san made this really nice stewed chicken with soy beans!! おいしい～～！！Someone made croquettes as well. I could've cried from happiness. And there was this apple cake. I don't know who made it but it was soooo nice!!! I love this group. And met some new people as well! Kaneko-san, who's lived in so many places, Yeejin from Malaysia but who's worked in Japan, Yumi-san and er... ok, I don't remember the rest of the names. But oh! So many new people!! YAY!!! Silly Kouki, Doriana & Nikolas kept telling people that I could speak Japanese despite my trying very hard not to. Don't really like it when people do that to me coz then everyone starts yammering to me in really fast Japanese, and I'll panic and just NOT remember anything. Yet, somehow managed to tell Fumiko-san and Yumi-san that basically, it's down to not having practised very much and have little confidence in my Japanese. Fumiko-san told me to make use of Kouki while he's here. Hoho. Kouki will die. ほほほぉぉぉ～～！！！

Walk This Way ~ Let Go Your Burdens, My Friends ~

According to a study commisioned by the British Council, Singapore currently has the fastest walkers in the world, about 30% faster compared to the 90s. It's insane. You can read about the findings here. And London's actually placed 12, much lower than Singapore! What? How?? Are we actually THAT much more competitive compared to other major economies in the world? Looks like the Singaporean "Kiasu-ness" is truly a force to be reckoned with.

And Copenhagen. 2nd! I used to have this general impression that the Danish were pretty relaxed about things. Guess I was wrong. And now look at this. Happiest people in the world, the Danes. I remember actually seeing the map some time last year, and all the rankings. Singapore was like some pathetic number down the listings. But back to the Danes. Happy, yet very much in a rush. Maybe they really like being stressed out?

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Had quite an indepth heart-to-heart with R last night. He was pretty upset about some things, which I'm not quite at liberty to repeat here. I always feel at such a loss when I find out that any of my friends are having problems that they're struggling to deal with. I'm not a very good advice-giver, nor am I one to dish out fantastic consolation lines. I'm seriously LOUSY at that. The most I can actually do for anyone is just to listen, open my arms and heart to them, and really just wish like hell that there was some way I could really share the pain and frustrations; that there was some real way I could actually stop the pain. But I know I can't. Listening is all I can do, the only thing I know how to do.

Of Thermo Tests, Earthquakes & The People Around Me

In a desperate attempt to forget that I have a thermodynamics test this afternoon and that I should be desperately cramming for it, how about some random bloggings?

Earthquake in Kent!! WTH??? I didn't know that you could GET earthquakes in the UK!! It's insane! According to this BBC report, the most recent quake in the UK was in December! In Dumfries and Galloway! How is it that this isn't actually bigger news?? Granted that the last major quake was in the 1580's (around scale 6) but still! So are earthquakes actually that common in the UK that the media no longer see them as newsworthy? Coz I didn't know that until yesterday. I guess everyone is now more caught up with the 2007 elections and why the modern fairytale couple that is William & Kate actually broke up. Pooh.

Made a new friend yesterday! Brunei guy, K, who landed in Aberdeen just 3 weeks ago. He contacted G through ex-SS president FreDICK Fredrick, and so we all met up for lunch after church. He's here on a company posting and works in the oil & gas industry. From what I heard yesterday, he's led quite an interesting life. Practically been all over the world since his dad used to work for the embassy. Think it may be quite worth the effort to get to know him better. Plus he's gonna get a car. Hir hir hir... >=D

And one last thing before I go back to crunching thermo numbers... CJoe, know that you've been pretty down and stressed out lately, what with one thing and the other. I won't say the usual cliches like "it's ok" (coz it never is) or "don't think too much about it" (coz how can you not?) or other things like that. Instead, I'll just say that you're in the hearts of all your friends here, so if ever things feel like the world's about to fall apart on your shoulders, you can always find an extra pair of shoulders to help share the burden. (^.^) And if Ah-Leb gets too irritating just don't hesitate to kick him. I'm sure he deserves quite a fair share. Hee~

Ok. Lunch (Indo-mie) & thermo. Heat transfer from the fire, to pot, to water, to noodles... (@_@)